Buying a well is money well spent.
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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]