According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Florida be like…
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.