social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.