When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Not today. 😅
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes