The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
me refusing to leave twitter
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors