me refusing to leave twitter
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names