me refusing to leave twitter
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
canadian assassins are called killergrams
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)