Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
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i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating