Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Okay
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you