Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.