ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
*updates tinder bio*
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Sorry not sorry.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.