I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Finally!