@bobvulfov

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

@OBiiieeee

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

@prawn_meat

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@vanleygoodtakes

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

@cellapaz

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@tarastrong

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

@ProfKinyon

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

@psybermonkey

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…