Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Remember folks 😂
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.