me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no