can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
waiting for halloween be like:
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Word!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.