can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.