*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
You Might Also Like
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens