If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
This is me 🤣🤣
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
What’s this sorcery? 😂
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.