@ericsshadow [eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
@thetobbie The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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@ericsshadow 
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
@woodmuffin 
@Cheeseboy22 Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
@mdob11 I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
@PuddingBoobs I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
@Tmoney68 I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
@onion_an Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
@MetteAngerhofer Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
@deloisivete bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*