The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.