The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

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[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”


5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.


Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.


I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.


I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.


I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.


Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?


Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.


bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*