cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
i choose….tongue
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.