I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You Might Also Like
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?