Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

we’re dead?

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Nose

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

based al yankovic

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*