this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
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My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!