Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
thinking about a very short hotdog
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.