Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.