Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.![]()
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[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*watches the world burn*
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We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
The Birdles
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.