The Birdles
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Ghost costume 😂
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
screw you