dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
You Might Also Like
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life