[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
You Might Also Like
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
How animals would run if they were human
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.