About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
He a real one for that
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.