[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare