okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.