always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My dad teaching me to drive