Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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#math
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically