ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.