Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Close call…
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.