Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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calling in to work dehydrated
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days