Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.