fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
just having fun
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.