fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.
Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.
Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”
*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years