@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

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@flashember

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

@themorris23

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

@HatfieldAnne

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

@CodeineFridge

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

@LoveNLunchmeat

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

@HatfieldAnne

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

@KarlreMarks

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

@Home_Halfway

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

@Tobi_Is_Fab

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”