THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.


I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.



*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses


Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??


This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!


You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.


The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.


Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out


ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her


I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”