THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I did not eat the cake…
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.