THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
There’s only one good girl here!
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password