When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
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why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Before you begin, questions?
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?
“You do the math”
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.
Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Waiter: black pepper?
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.