I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
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I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
This sounds bad:
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this