Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”