going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I will never stop laughing at this
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough