My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol