Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal