My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings