My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same