Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
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every man in east london
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time