The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Goodnight 🐶
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.