Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
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Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?