My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.