*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.