My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
every college guy’s fridge
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check