[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
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me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.